Very personal, but important

In the past 24 hours or so we've been through such a whirlwind of emotions. This post is pretty long and may involve some issues that will make some of you uncomfortable, so I apologize. I just wanted to share the experience with you because it's truly something we'll never forget.

It's no secret that I've been struggling with feeling awful pretty much nonstop for the past 6 weeks or so. Last week I got a new treat- headaches. Every. Single. Day. I've been trying to cope naturally, but for the most part have had to resort to taking Tylenol just to get some relief. Often I'll wake up with a headache, or if I don't it'll appear sometime in the afternoon and hang on for the rest of the day. Yesterday was no different. I was particularly tired and feeling a headache coming on around lunchtime, when I started getting some really painful cramping. I'm talking doubled over, take your breath away, couldn't even stand up straight to walk type of cramps. I laid down to rest and eventually the pain went away and I was able to fall asleep. Still, when I woke up I had no energy and an obnoxious headache. I just stayed on the couch with an ice pack on my neck, but when it came time to get dinner started the cramping returned and my head was just throbbing. I cried, went to bed again, and prayed that I could just feel better.

Then came the nightmare. I started bleeding. Bright red, scary bleeding that should not happen when you're pregnant. Needless to say I went a little hysterical and Aaron was by my side almost instantly, asking what to do. Somehow I managed to direct him to the emergency number for my midwives' office and he eventually got a hold of someone. He described what was happening and through the phone I could hear her say, "Well, it sounds like she's having a miscarriage." In my mind I knew that cramps accompanied by heavy bleeding usually means one thing, but it broke my heart to hear her say it. I instantly remembered being in this same situation 7 years ago (September 10, 2001), when my 14 week pregnancy suddenly ended with horrible, lasting pain and blood. Only this time, I'd seen my baby. I'd watched it move on the ultrasound monitor and seen its little heartbeat fluttering away. My mind was racing and I just bawled until my face and brain were numb. The midwife advised us to not go to the hospital, but to let my body take care of things naturally. Then the thought came, 'But how can we be sure?' Maybe there was some hope... but I didn't dare. I set my mind to anticipate the worst, and cried for a few more hours.

It was still pretty early in the evening, so when the midwife called back to ask if we could come into the office the next morning we were able to make arrangements for someone to watch the kids. Aaron called into work so he could stay with me, but other than that we decided not to tell anyone until after the appointment- until we were sure what was happening.

For the rest of the night I tried to stay laying down, and being so emotionally and physically exhausted made it easy. Eventually I fell asleep, but at about 3 a.m. I woke up and couldn't get to sleep again. I realized that I hadn't had anymore cramps since the bout at dinner time, and that my bleeding had only lasted for an hour or two. Weird. I was afraid that maybe this meant that my body wasn't taking care of it and that I'd end up having to go to the hospital after all.

Finally it was time to head to the appointment, so we left the kids with the neighbor and drove the 20 minutes to the birthing center. We were shown into the room and I explained all that had happened. I was asked to lay down and the midwife said she'd like to try finding the baby's heartbeat with the Doppler first, then if she couldn't she'd use ultrasound. I did NOT want to see any ultrasound. I was terrified of what might not be there, and even more terrified of what might be there but soon wouldn't be. Literally, less than 30 seconds after starting her search, we heard the distinct, birds' wings flutter of a quick little heartbeat.

Whoosh,whoosh,whoosh,whoosh,whoosh...

I was completely shocked! This was not what I was expecting at all. Of course I cried and then said, "So what the heck is going on??" At this point she began going over various theories that could possibly explain what had happened to me. Here are the most likely:

• placental abruption- when the placenta prematurely separates from the uterus wall. This would cause pain in my abdomen, and bleeding from the separation site. I wasn't aware that this could happen this early in pregnancy (I'm only 13 weeks), but she said that it is possible. This would explain the intermittent pain, the abrupt stop of bleeding and no passing of tissue. (I know, ew. But this is important to note.)
• miscarriage of a blighted ovum- when an egg is fertilized but only the placenta, amniotic sac and other pregnancy tissues form but not a fetus, this is a blighted ovum. This is what they suspected happened with our very first pregnancy 7 years ago. She explained that if the healthy baby is growing in its own sac with its own placenta, and there was a second sac with a placenta but no fetus, this may be what my body is now trying to expel. This would explain the pain and blood, but there should still have been tissue passed, which I hadn't. It also brought to mind the mystery of that first ultrasound and the question of my perhaps carrying twins.
• impending miscarriage- there is still a chance that the miscarriage will still take place, just not yet. This last possibility terrifies me, of course, but I know that if it's going to happen there's nothing that can be done to prevent it. Still, knowing the baby is well gives me hope that maybe things will turn out alright.
• unexplainable- sometimes women just bleed and it appears to have no affect on the pregnancy whatsoever. It's scary and frustrating, and could possibly happen again, but going on bed rest or limiting my activities isn't going to prevent anything.

We may never know what on earth caused those things last night, but I hope and pray that it doesn't happen again. We were shocked and thrilled that we got to come home with good news, and a healthy baby still inside me. Aaron and I were both sure that it was over, so to have such a miraculous turn of events is a huge blessing. We are so, so grateful, and of course still praying that everything will be okay.